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Don’t be a thief—save your grade, use Bib Me™ and give credit to those who deserve it!WILDER, KY—Distraught over being separated from his comforting, scaly touch, area woman Anika Mitkin told reporters Saturday that she longed for the caress of her boyfriend’s dry, cracked, bleeding hands.

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PARK RIDGE, IL—At a ribbon-cutting ceremony held Tuesday on the steps of the recently completed 200,000-square-foot facility, Hillary Clinton opened a new presidential library and museum that commemorates the presidency she might have had if elected.

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Embarrassed by the piles of clutter in virtually every room, former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort reportedly spent the afternoon Wednesday making his house look presentable before the next predawn FBI raid.

OCEAN CITY, NJ—Noting the total absence of adults with any apparent role in local commerce, visitors to Ocean City, New Jersey, told reporters Friday that the economy of the vacation town seemed run entirely by overwhelmed high schoolers.

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

They believe that every family deserves to live in a world free from violence.

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